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sprigatito_bread

@ sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

Posts
27
Comments
80
Joined
2 yr. ago

  • How do you go no contact with someone in the U.S. if they have your full name, DOB, and SSN?

    Jump

  • Yeah, I made the first few when I was feeling much more powerless and only just starting to wake up to the fact that I had agency. People were understandably frustrated by my lack of action. In response, I said I would start planning on my own and only ask more questions if there was a specific part of my plan I got stuck on.

    I had deeply ingrained beliefs that I needed my parents to survive and would die without them. But over the past couple of days, I found out that they barely do anything for me and I am essentially living in a really cheap Airbnb with free food. (And trust me, that Airbnb is really cheap for a reason.) I truly believed them when they said I was a huge burden and they sacrifice so much for me, but it was just a big lie used to silence me in arguments.

    Because of those past beliefs, whenever I thought about leaving, all I could imagine was dying in the streets. I totally ignored the fact that homeless shelters exist, kind and helpful people exist, and I have an emergency fund that I might be able to stretch to last several months if I get creative. I didn't trust myself to be competent enough to pull it off, even though I already demonstrate most of the skills I need to live on my own every day without even realizing it.

    Now I'm getting ready to rock, just trying to patch this one gaping hole in the plan first before I commit. I'm not going to know everything, but the magic of trusting myself means that I don't have to have an answer for everything upfront before leaving, because I believe I can adapt to whatever situation I can find myself in.

  • How do you go no contact with someone in the U.S. if they have your full name, DOB, and SSN?

    Jump

  • Thanks for the ideas!

    What's it like renting a room? Are there significant compromises or sacrifices you have to make compared to having an apartment?

  • How do you go no contact with someone in the U.S. if they have your full name, DOB, and SSN?

    Jump

  • I've looked into this option a bit, and from what I've read, you need a ton of evidence to get an SSN change. Still, as another commenter said, it's worth documenting everything. I already keep a journal about what I think and feel day-to-day, which includes my fear of my abusers and anything notable they do. I'll make sure to gather evidence as part of my strategy.

  • How do you go no contact with someone in the U.S. if they have your full name, DOB, and SSN?

    Jump

  • I'm steeling myself for the worst, but I'll hope for the best. I'll keep this in mind so I don't live in crippling paranoia for the rest of my life. Thanks!

    Just a question out of curiosity: how did you become self-aware of your Cluster B personality? I always thought Cluster B precluded self-awareness due to the belief that one is always right and others are the problem (in NPD and ASPD especially).

  • How do you go no contact with someone in the U.S. if they have your full name, DOB, and SSN?

    Jump

  • Thank you! Honestly, this is the happiest moment of my life. My whole life was spent fantasizing about warmth and safety and feeling hopeless to ever reach it. Now I'm oscillating between deathly terror and boundless euphoria. I know this is the most dangerous and uncertain time of my life, but it's my only bridge to freedom and happiness.

    My older brother will try to find me because he has a god complex and believes he is entitled to control me and do whatever he wants to me without my consent. He literally told me to call him "God" and told me that his sperm is the source of his power (?????). I've never met someone so deranged in my life. My favorite quote from him is "Everyone needs someone they can control," because it's such a dead giveaway for how he views everyone he interacts with. He's telling me exactly who he is, and I should believe him. He also recounted the incident where he beat his girlfriend's cat to death without any hesitation, emotion, or understanding of why it was morally wrong to kill animals. I think that convinced me he was a psychopath more than anything. How do you describe bludgeoning a poor defenseless animal to death in gory detail without flinching? I'm done pretending this guy isn't totally fucked in the head.

    He learned early on in my life that he can dominate me through sheer strength, since he was bigger and stronger than me, given he was 2 years older. When we were young, he was way bigger than me! It's no wonder I was too terrified to ever say no to him. He learned that he had that kind of power over others and never learned to be kind or caring. When the world demanded that he act with any kind of consideration for others' rights and feelings, he got pissed off and called them "liberals" and fantasized about killing them en masse. He told me the reason he hasn't done anything to humans yet is because he doesn't think he can get away with it.

    But I think I'm a bit different... I'm the original person he had power over, and if I disappear from right under his nose, the relationship that justified his entire identity is gone. I think he'll become obsessed with getting that relationship back even if it has life-threatening consequences in order to avoid losing the basis for the violence and domination that form the very core of his being. I think my submission keeps him stable in a sense, and now that I refuse to submit, the system is about to violently explode. The fallout with my parents will be minuscule compared to what's coming.

    At the end of the day, I think one or both of us is fucked. I just have to do everything I can to make sure it isn't me.

  • How do you go no contact with someone in the U.S. if they have your full name, DOB, and SSN?

    Jump

  • Thank you! I'll keep this in mind.

    Yeah, I'm definitely gonna have to cut off the whole family tree. Even if they weren't in cahoots with my parents and brother, the generational trauma fucked them all up too, so they could certainly hurt more than they help anyway.

    I already was a pretty anonymous person on the Internet. I never posted my face once, so at least I have that going for me.

    What do you think about transferring from a big bank to a small one? Do I have to do that manually and smuggle a wad of $100 bills to transfer my emergency fund to the new bank? Even if I space out the deposits, I wonder if it would trigger investigations from the bank (to investigate the influx of cash) or IRS (to see if I have an income source I'm not claiming.)

  • How do you go no contact with someone in the U.S. if they have your full name, DOB, and SSN?

    Jump

  • I'm concerned that my new address and workplace will appear on public records. I know that physically leaving will buy me some time, but I'm afraid of my brother using data brokering services, hiring private investigators, or potentially abusing the legal system to force me to appear in court with him. (He has a lot of disposable income.)

    I believe you on the "life getting easier" part. Yesterday I wrote down everything about living with my family that stresses me out and came up with 183 unique things! I know that life without stable employment or housing will be rocky, but I don't think it can be worse than this. I can't wait to finalize my plan and get the fuck outta dodge!

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    How do you go no contact with someone in the U.S. if they have your full name, DOB, and SSN?

  • Is life really as awful as politics and the Internet make it out to be?

    Jump

  • Notice the underlying assumption that people will always act selfish (“capitalism makes everyone selfish”, “a partner only wants to enjoy your stable life”), are unreliable (“people are only fair-weather friends”, “people don’t want to socialize”) and are always out to get you (“going outside is dangerous, because people want to run me over and fascists will kill me”, “someone wants to wipe out my progress”).

    And (apart from your parents) is that how people in your life have behaved? (Like e.g. People in school, early childhood friends, teachers or even strangers)

    You wrote that your brain is “constantly thinking about everything and everyone that could kill me or take everything I have”, but I think it’s also what your assuming everyone WANTS to do.

    This is a REALLY good point. I think I might be projecting a lot here. And, no -- as sad and confusing as it is, not one person in my life has acted nearly as antagonistic or vindictive towards me as my actual parents, even the kids who bullied me at school.

    I know this sounds fucking insane, but my parents threatened to kill me, abandon me, or take things from me all the time and still do. I still live with them because I'm chronically ill, disabled, and depressed, but I'm working on getting out.

    In fact, I stood up to them earlier today at dinner, telling them that their words and tone of voice were hurtful, and they literally laughed in my face, called me an "ungrateful piece of shit," and said they weren't going to buy me food or drive me places anymore, which prevents me from getting routine medical and dental care. So indeed, they take away basic support if I criticize them. But I realized that nothing will change if I continue to fear them. Every day I become less afraid, and their threat level has risen in tandem.

    Truly, there is no hate like their love.

    So I guess I treat life like an extension of my parents, where I am emotionally abused, neglected, and in constant danger of being physically hurt or losing basic privileges if I make any wrong move. It feels like I am constantly living under their contemptuous gaze, starving for warmth and acknowledgement, and people will punish me or withhold resources from me if I express my honest feelings or fail to meet expectations.

    Thanks for pointing out that pattern. I feel a little less lost than before.

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Is life really as awful as politics and the Internet make it out to be?

  • Have I been traumatized into thinking that it is rare for women to enjoy spoiling their male partners with affection?

    Jump

  • I probably should have specified in the post that I've never had a partner before...

    The context, in short, is that I was raised in an environment with a degree of emotional neglect so totalizing that it led me to believe that wanting affection and emotional support was an obscure fetish, and that this so-called fetish was the reason I was a broken person who could never be loved. (That's why I've never tried to get into a relationship.)

    Based on the replies I'm getting, I think it's safe to say that everything I believed was a lie, one that stemmed from the emotional deprivation chamber of my childhood.

    I like the point you make about communication. I definitely plan on communicating my most important needs upfront if I start dating. In childhood, I learned to fear my needs and never voice them because they would never be met, but now, I think I know better.

  • Have I been traumatized into thinking that it is rare for women to enjoy spoiling their male partners with affection?

    Jump

  • This is something I worry about happening if I get into a relationship and is probably one of the biggest reasons why I've never been in one, second only to the fear of these desires being rejected.

    I don't actually know what my behavior would be if I got into a relationship. I always just think, "What if it goes badly and I end up severely hurt?" That was always enough to deter me.

    I feel way better than I did 2 years ago and I feel far less neurotic than I did just a few months ago, though. I can actually feel safe in some circumstances and I initiated a conversation with a stranger for the first time the other day, when I've been afraid to do so all my life.

    I'm not sure that I can just get rid of my desire to be doted on and praised at least to some degree. But I'm hoping I can get to the point where I stop worrying about it so much.

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Have I been traumatized into thinking that it is rare for women to enjoy spoiling their male partners with affection?

  • My therapist says she might have to report my abusive family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse?

    Jump

  • I'm not angry at anyone except myself. I know that everyone in this thread is smarter than me because I was raised to be stupid and easy to control. The fact that I still live here 23 when I knew I was being abused since age 13 is proof of my incomprehensible levels of idiocy. My every instinct is telling me that leaving is more dangerous than staying. I'm going to therapy because I know those instincts are wrong and I don't know how to change them. I'm taking actions that are helping me gain a greater sense of agency and independence, but that process is frustratingly incremental. I'm stupid today, but I was even more stupid 2 weeks ago, and I will be less stupid 2 weeks from now. I hate that I'm like this. I hate that I can't just download the brains of anyone else in this thread so I don't have to wait for my brain cells to hurry the fuck up and rewire themselves into a usable configuration. But that's what I have to do. I have to push myself more and more to learn that I'm not as powerless as my abusers make it seem. I know this, but I need to feel it.

    These people can't do shit to me. They had to lobotomize me to have any power over me because they don't have time to watch me 24/7. If I knew what I was doing, I could be gone without a trace in less than 24 hours. I just won't do it because I'm scared that my conditions make me unhireable and I won't be able to convince anyone to let me live with them. Both of these are untrue and I'm too dumb to see why. THAT'S why I'm going to therapy -- because once I realize I have that power, that's it.

    Once I have a clearer mind, I'll be using the resources that everyone linked and look up more of them on my own. I'm going to find a way through this. I'll have to step outside of my comfort zone a lot, but it can be done. I'm going to stop asking strangers on the Internet to do all of the work for me and do it my damn self.

    I've embarrassed myself a lot in this thread, but I can always improve, become less embarrassing, and slowly take off the clown makeup piece by piece. The people here are trying to tell me that I can do more than I'm doing now, and they're right. It just needs to get through to me. Maybe it takes more than just Lemmy threads. Maybe it takes a therapist, experiences of doing things on my own, and maybe a few friends. But it will happen.

    I want to thank everyone for trying to help snap me out of it. It's going to take some work, but I know there's hope.

  • My therapist says she might have to report my abusive family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse?

    Jump

  • can’t tell if they’re genuinely looking for help or if they’re just stuck in a self-pity-I-need-a-savior loop.

    It’s both. I’m genuinely looking for help on a tough situation, and I possess a weak learned helplessness mindset that causes me to give up too easily. The replies I get here are helpful, but at the end of the day, the biggest difference will be my own ability to change the way I think through a combination of self-reflection and therapy. Nobody can help me with that except for me.

    It’s true that I live with violent and controlling people, but that doesn’t mean they can control me 24/7. It’s true that public services are being eroded, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any left. It’s true that modern society alienates us from one another, but that doesn’t mean people can’t care about me.

    My abusers are incredibly stupid, weak, and short-sighted in a lot of ways, and it may well be that the reason I’ve been stuck is because I have also been stupid, weak, and short-sighted. My stated goal of therapy is to get rid of my fear-based mindset and start using my brain more, because fear is stopping me from being rational. That’s why my words and actions appear to be so contradictory: I’m in the process of recognizing my own agency and their weaknesses, but I keep snapping back to old patterns where they seem all-powerful and I feel helpless. It’s probably frustrating for the people reading.

    How do any of the readers here know that my situation is as dire as I make it out to be? Could it be that my fear is painting a far worse picture than reality? If so, how can I possibly be a reliable narrator for what’s actually happening in my life? If things were truly hopeless, my abusers wouldn’t have to constantly tell me that all of my ideas are stupid and everything I try will fail.

    I think if I ask any more questions on Lemmy, it should be while I’m in the process of getting out, not asking people to plan my entire escape. Like, asking for advice on step 23B after I’ve figured out and completed steps 1-22, instead of asking for steps 1-100 before I’ve done anything.

  • My therapist says she might have to report my abusive family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse?

    Jump

  • Could it be that this dynamic has prevented you from contacting those organisations who literally exist to help you?

    Definitely. My mind has tried as hard as possible to convince itself that nobody in the real world cares about me or wants to help me. And therefore there are no social programs, public services, or mutual aid groups because Republicans nuked them all or something. Going to see a therapist IRL was the first time I challenged that core belief. It turns out that good people exist and they want to help me because I'm human. I'm going to need more exposure than that to rewire my bullshit gut instinct, which is why I'm pushing myself to go out to socialize and use public services. I think that the ability to ask for and accept help is key to getting out of here, so it's no wonder why my abusers aggressively push the idea that help doesn't exist.

  • My therapist says she might have to report my abusive family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse?

    Jump

  • This reply heavily deterred me from making it my go-to choice, and I haven't seen anyone refute it:

    https://sh.itjust.works/post/52834885/23011371

    The entire system of shelter and aid for the homeless and at risk and domestic abuse victims and all that, broadly, its completely collapsing right now.

    Trump’s having FEMA build comcentration camps for the homeless, that’s the new ‘model’.

    Realistic advice for this person would be to find some friend or extended family member they can stay with for a while, there’s almost 0 chance that any of the organizations listed out in the comprehensive top reply will do anything other than waste this person’s time with intake procedures and then not actually be able to help them meaningfully.

    I'm not going to completely discount these resources, but I'm looking at relationships with other people for Plan A. I'm working on getting outside of my comfort zone and figuring out how to get to places on my own so I can meet new people and become half-decent at connecting with them.

    Life at home is mostly cold dullness punctuated by sudden flashes of violence. Months can go by without anything happening. But something will happen eventually. Things are in a cold period right now and I've had more time to think. I'm doing therapy to help me feel empowered to take measured steps to leave (and create a good emergency plan, which will involve contacting the shelters).

    I think you have a good point though: I'm sort of tunnel-visioning on this mandatory reporting thing when I should be focused on creating an emergency plan that I can feel confident about. That way, if what I fear does come to pass, I'll know exactly what to do instead of panicking. I'm falling back on old patterns where I waste my time worrying about bad things happening instead of taking actual steps to prepare for when they inevitably do. Thanks for calling that out.

    I've been finding that trauma literally makes me stupid. It locks me into myopic fear-based thought patterns that don't actually help and just keep me trapped for longer. People here are probably going to get frustrated because they want to help, but they see me making stupid decisions or focusing on the wrong things. I think I need to listen to them even if they're mean about it, because the alternative is spiraling into the same logic that kept me complacent for years.

  • My therapist says she might have to report my abusive family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse?

    Jump

  • Unfortunately, I'm disabled, jobless, and have nobody to go to. I would have left long ago if it were so easy for me to leave.

    I agree with the principle, but in practice, the violence of American capitalism is what keeps me trapped here more than anything. If I end up on the street as a result of these interventions, I will freeze to death because the system doesn't protect from homelessness. This kind of intervention would work great in a socialist society with guaranteed basic housing and sustenance, but that isn't the reality right now. The reality is a system that brutalizes the most vulnerable and leaves them to die.

  • My therapist says she might have to report my abusive family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse?

    Jump

  • I'm disabled; I have limited options for work and can't drive. It's not impossible, but it's far from trivial, and seeing the news makes it easy to get discouraged. Growing up in an environment like this also makes you expect everyone to be violent. It's a stupid, irrational feeling, but it is nonetheless paralyzing being afraid of violent criminals everywhere you go because you grew up with them. Therapy could help with the irrational feelings and free up my mind to solve the logistics of getting out and finding some kind of work despite all of my physical limitations.

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    My therapist says she might have to report my abusive family to the authorities. How do I avoid being reported so the cops don't show up and make everything worse?

  • My brother grew up to become a homicidal freak. Are violent men common in the general population or was our childhood ROYALLY fucked?

    Jump

  • One of the things that kept me stuck here for so long was the belief that most men were just as violent as my dad and brother were. I took men being physical as evidence that they would kill people who made them angry. Since Dad constantly threatened my life whenever I did something he didn't like, I assumed that men outside would just kill me since there aren't any family ties (which I thought was the only reason my dad spared me).

  • My brother grew up to become a homicidal freak. Are violent men common in the general population or was our childhood ROYALLY fucked?

    Jump

  • it sounds like you’re saying you have a kink, right?

    Pretty much, but my kink is literally just being held and playfully overwhelmed with kisses. My brain would constantly tell me that I'd never be able to find a partner because the thing that turned me on was too childish and female-dominant. I started feeling better than I realized that I likely only felt so much shame about this because of my parents' contempt for giving comfort and affection, coloring the act as taboo.

  • My brother grew up to become a homicidal freak. Are violent men common in the general population or was our childhood ROYALLY fucked?

    Jump

  • I think my parents keep my documents in a safe, which means they'll have to know if I'm leaving. Maybe I can get the police to assist me in retrieving them?

  • My brother grew up to become a homicidal freak. Are violent men common in the general population or was our childhood ROYALLY fucked?

    Jump

  • I learned to program on my own pretty decently and made a website that a few thousand people use in a niche gaming community. I basically built a free product that's very useful to a specific set of people.

    Unfortunately, my college plans got sidetracked because I developed a chronic illness and it's been hard to go places and pay attention to lectures. I tried online college at home, but my brother's violence made it impossible to focus. Without a source of income, trying to continue with college might be risky, since I may not find a way to repay all of the debt.

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    My brother grew up to become a homicidal freak. Are violent men common in the general population or was our childhood ROYALLY fucked?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    What should I do if my violent brother is threatening to kill my parents (who I financially depend on and live with) and they aren't taking it seriously?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    I want to attend therapy for the first time! What are some things I should know before signing up?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Does anyone have any hopeful success stories of surviving abusive parents and finding happiness later in life?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    How can you protect yourself from an abusive and violent sibling when you are financially dependent on your enabling parents?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Do gender roles have a stranglehold on heterosexual relationships, or does social media just make it feel that way?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    How do people who can't have or don't want penetrative sex find compatible partners?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    The stigma of being a feminine male has left me broken, dysfunctional, and afraid to leave home. How can I get past my fear?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Does total privacy entail isolating yourself from 99% of people?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Is it common for hetero women to enjoy taking charge during intimacy and switch between who's leading? (I was raised in a traditional family so I'm dumb)

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Why does it feel like dominant women who are warm, caring, and protective don't exist in online media?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Is it generally safe to be openly gender non-conforming in big cities? I'm tired of hiding in the closet.

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    I avoid approaching women in public because I believe it's inappropriate. My parents say that it's a necessary skill. Who is right?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Is there any hope of finding a relationship if certain body parts don't work anymore? You know the ones.

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    I'm a straight guy who wants to be cute, not handsome. Can I still be attractive despite choosing to be unmanly?

  • Ask Lemmy @lemmy.world
    sprigatito_bread @lemmy.world

    Are there any stories or media featuring a "nurturing loving girlfriend, sensitive endearing boyfriend" dynamic?