Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond so many times. I'm glad to hear that about therapist rapport, because I do really like mine.
I don't have much confidence in my ability to play music. But music is the one thing that can get any kind of rise out of me during these phases. I wish I had musical performing talent, but I can't keep rhythm and there's something about the way my voice sounds or works that will never sound good. I've tried singing for guys tutorials on YouTube. But it is a dream of mine to play guitar and sing. There's something about music that can convey a feeling in a universal way, the way words can't. Which is funny because words are involved as in lyrics.
I think I have friends that would listen if I asked them to. But I don't want to be a burden on them. I think I could talk about it ad nauseam. They all have spouses and real people lives. I'm sure they care, but I don't think they have the capacity to "be there" for me like when we were in college and all of us figuring out relationships.
I will keep trying. I believe that you should never need another person to "complete" you. So your comment about being happy alone resonates. But I really struggle with applying those principles to my life. On a macro scale, I just feel so devastatingly lonely. Everything just feels so hollow. Contrast that to when I've been with people. Waking up with them in my arms makes me feel elated every time.
That's kind of a great story, though. At one of my old jobs I got to demolish a lot of things in a similar fashion. We took used furniture and resold it, and anything that didn't sell had to fit in the dumpster, one way or another.
I don't know what I'm trying to do with the sadness, honestly. It always felt like it was the one that had me, and it was a matter of when it wanted to let me go.
I hear a lot about processing grief but I've never fully understood that as a concept. I have grief. I understand why I have it. But what does processing it mean? If it's not something I can sit down and do with my hands, then I'm not sure. I spend a lot of time feeling it and having it. But that's more like a loop. Or I feel like a hamster in a wheel.
I think it's partly to do with feeling like it's so hard for me to meet anyone. I hate being on dating apps and doing that whole song and dance. Another reason is that this wasn't just someone I happened to like and ask out. I knew them for a while and realized I wanted things to be more. So it's like rejection and loss of an existing relationship. They also chose someone over me, so I am also kind of overcome with feelings of inadequacy. There had been a physical relationship between us at one point, so I'm left wondering what was wrong with me.
Thank you for the kind advice. I really really wish I could buy into the not feeling this way forever thing. Logically I know it, but my heart and body don't.
Part of the issue is it was more than rejection. It was someone else being chosen over me. It feels like a cannonball to the gut. And then with the added bonus of just imagining them together. I know I shouldn't and it's a little fucked up, but I'm not doing it intentionally. My brain just won't stop.
Thank you for the suggestion. I tried going on a 4 mile hike today through the woods but unfortunately did not feel better. I think I must have it pretty severely at the moment.
I've been here so many times though. I tried going outside today like a lot of suggestions gave, but it didn't help. I just felt the same but somewhere else.
Now I'm just laying on my couch, no music, TV, nothing. Not even really on my phone. I feel like I have no capacity for anything else. And I keep looking at the clock and I feel the knot in my stomach tighten when I think about doing this the rest of the day and the rest of the weekend.
Thank you for the kind response. It's hard to describe just how catatonic I get. I would love to lose myself in some of those things you listened, even though I'm not creative, but I fear it would be the same story as the other stuff. It just seems like nothing in the universe sparks any kind of joy.
Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond so many times. I'm glad to hear that about therapist rapport, because I do really like mine.