I cannot begin to imagine the environment she grew up in, or if she's actually neurotic. Where in the world do you learn of using direct painful stimulus as your "go-to" form of communication? Also massive red flag when people say "That's how all men/women act!" In response to problematic behavior. I've gotten that from the most toxic people I've ever met.
I'm not sure if you were just horny, but kudos to being able to withstand that.
I don't think there's any circumstance where "replacing" a dead loved one with someone similar would ever end well. Way too many expectations, and context the date would be unaware of.