c/Superbowl
For all your owl related needs!
Yes, I lost some really great people along the way. But I understand it perfectly now why they felt they had to move on from me.
I'm glad we can have conversations like this here. It feels really important to discuss this, and I hope the person I think that inspired you to make this post reads this and can turn his life around.
It isn't always easy to publicly admit we used to be this way, but I feel it benefits the community as a whole.
Your first line of how it all seems stupidly obvious now is so true. But that's the thing about being self-centered, that you can't get any other perspective on it.
I'm glad you were able to get out of that cycle!
I always knew he was a bad example, but having to grow up in that environment gave me a crappy set of social skills for when I was in the outside world from my family. I had to play the transactional game to stay out of trouble, and worry about my own well-being for most things. From spending my whole development years that way, I knew his behaviors were bad, but without any other context, I couldn't grasp that I was doing much the same things. I was just being me and what I felt I had to do.
There's obviously a lot left out of the story, it's 40+ years of life. I started making progress acting like a decent human in my later 20s / early 30s as I moved out and started meeting better people and being able to spend more time around them. After my wife divorced me, I spent a lot of time by myself reflecting and that was when I went to the doctor about depression as I was completely humbled and ready to face up to having problems I couldn't fix on my own.
After getting medicine, it was the last boost I needed, as I was able to let go of a lot of things holding me back. Whenever something would go bad, it would feel like it would drag every memory of me screwing up or people "screwing me over" back up to the surface and it would just swallow me whole. I couldn't get anywhere because I'd just go into survival mode and shut down. Medicated me can tell those memories to shut up because I need to tend to the current thing that needs my attention. Which at that time was for me to stop being a jerk.
I still get mad at myself for all the bad things I did to people and to myself, but now they moreso serve as a reminder to stay being my best than something that really haunts me. Everything is just more manageable is about all I can say. It's hard for me to really accurately verbalize my feelings through all these time periods without really taking a ton of time. I just think a lot of people, especially men these days, suffer with a lot of this stuff, and I'd rather rehash my worst times than see people get sucked down deeper into manosphere and incel crap. I haven't forgotten for a second how bad and lonely those feelings are, and I don't want to see other people go through it feeling alone.
After getting my depression treated, I was able to really work on myself better and have lasting results. With the untreated depression, it was like trying to rebuild a house while it was still on fire. I'd try to fix one part of my while the other stuff was still actively messing me up. Getting treated let me let go of a lot of things that were just a byproduct of my own mind and focus on what the root causes of things were. I wasn't reliving slices of all my previous bad days every day. I could come to terms with things in my past, see what I did that was cringe/jerky/etc and understand it and see better ways to go through life.
It was far from a quick fix, and I still have to live with that part of me, ala The Babbadook. This year in particular has been very hard on me. Medication just lets me manage it, it does nothing to fix core problems. That's why many people go to therapy in addition to medication. Meds do just enough so I can sweep away the bad crap my mind tries to trick me with before it causes trouble.
What it feels like and how people react to it is different for everyone because we all have different brain chemisty and different underlying and associated issues. For me, a quick visit to my GP and a cheap Rx for Lexapro gave me what I needed. My partner had a much harder time and it took a few years to get sorted out. She also talks to the therapist and has done DBT programs and group therapy to get where she is, while I usually do ok on my own or just talking things out to her or friends.
It can be a real struggle, but it really sucks being your own worst enemy and is far, far worth it to talk to a medical professional if you think you are having problems. No matter where you try to hide from things, you can't escape your own mind, and it knows every way to really mess you up if it wants to. It isn't being weak and it doesn't mean you are a bad person, it's taking personal responsibility for yourself. You wouldn't try to heal a broken leg yourself, and a mind is no different. Some things are best left to the pros.
Research something non-work related (usually owls)
Plan a vacation or home project
Study music/theory/plugins/production or play on my mini keyboard
Make friends with other contractors outside of my company
Go out and enjoy the fall weather
Read an ebook or enjoy an audiobook. I started Discworld. I'm down 4 so far out of 41 I think it is.
Basically stuff I'd want to do anyway that requires little or no equipment. Down time is my time. The only thing that stinks is an open office with no real privacy. People don't seem to care, but it makes it less enjoyable for me. I've been here 2 years now and no one has ever said anything.
Bad examples of manliness, seeing things as transactional, and being so focused only on myself.
My dad has a narcissistic type of personality. I'm going to just insert this bit from Mayo Clinic to save me a ton of time.
Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can:
- Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.
- Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.
- Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.
- Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.
- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.
- Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.
- Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.
- Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.
- Take advantage of others to get what they want.
- Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
- Be envious of others and believe others envy them.
- Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.
- Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they view as criticism. They can:
- Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special recognition or treatment.
- Have major problems interacting with others and easily feel slighted.
- React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.
- Have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior.
- Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.
- Withdraw from or avoid situations in which they might fail.
- Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.
- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure.
When to see a doctor
People with narcissistic personality disorder may not want to think that anything could be wrong, so they usually don't seek treatment. If they do seek treatment, it's more likely to be for symptoms of depression, drug or alcohol misuse, or another mental health problem. What they view as insults to self-esteem may make it difficult to accept and follow through with treatment.
So long story short, a lot of treating the world like it owes you something and being an asshole to people when they don't live up to your unreasonable expectations. Everything had to revolve around him, and that is the example I got, as I wasn't around many other adults.
Relationships were transactional. I did this, this, and this, so now you owe me this, no excuse. It's like grinding in a game. Complete these objectives, earn this reward. But that isn't how life is. You can do as you please, as nice or rude as you want, but so can everyone else. If I did something nice for someone, that should be out of wanting to be nice to them, not to make them owe me something and being rude if they don't see it that way.
In the OP's nice guy scenario, guys will compliment someone, do them a favor, listen to them when they need someone to talk to, and not see that as being a friend or supportive person, but basically as points. I helped you, so now you should owe me a date, for instance. You see the boyfriend thing not as a partner, but a business relationship. I did this, so why aren't you doing that? You aren't thinking of building an equal partnership with someone, you are being selfish and inconsiderate of them as their own person. It's totally hollow, because even though another person is there, they're not really actively involved in the relationship, they are basically a game piece in your eyes when you think that way. You don't care what they want or feel, you see it as they owe you something. And who would want to be with someone like that? But a person with that mindset can't place themselves in the other person's shoes and they lash out of anger instead. The other person will usually just WTF on out of there, and I don't blame them.
So much of my life has been me losing friendships for having an egocentric view like this. Everyone tires of it eventually. Some last longer, others see how you are right away. I am constantly reminded of such cringe stuff I've done, and now that I understand it after getting medicine for my depression, I was able to see what I was doing and fix it. I found better examples of how to be a respectable person, and made friends with women instead of trying to "win" them. Now I'm able to be an interesting and well rounded person that people will naturally like...usually. Some people will still dislike you, not want to date you, or be rude to you for no apparent reason, but that's just how it goes, and I can handle that now.
I'll shut up now, since that's a lot, but if you want to hear more about anything else, or if I've missed the mark on what you're looking for, I can talk more.
My experience echos yours. Bad examples of manliness, seeing things as transactional, and being so focused only on myself.
Making friends with some really great people and getting treated for depression helped me break free from the cycle and start putting others first and understanding myself more had really helped me be a person that other people can enjoy being around.
Birds of a feather! 🦉🦉
Bird is truly the word!
I am glad people enjoy it so much! I'm surprised we don't have anything else like it. I think a group like tan eggs could pull off something similar. They've got pikas to capybaras. Could be fun to do either concurrently to make it a really big dual event, or do it in June so we get 2 separate events a year.
All the support you guys have given me here has really made a lot of positive impact on my real life as well, traveling places to show you guys owls and now working with them and other animals hands on helping their recovery. I never thought I'd release an owl in my own backyard or hold an owl from Australia!
I've had a lot of fun with you personally too, trying to come up with French jokes and seeing you spread some owl love to the French speakers. You're one of my favorites here!
Third panel is karma for being a difficult birth.
Wawa is pretty much always the real start of a trip for me. Top off the gas, check tires, grab something with caffeine and a Sizzli or soft pretzels, and then I know I'm as ready to roll as in going to be!
That's my situation as well. Was only a reddit lurker, but I spend more time talking with people here as there's room for me to be heard through the crowd.
People can still doomscroll here if they choose, but my participation here has led to me doing volunteer work and having countless unique experiences. All I got from reddit was a solid coffee setup.
Whoa, that's a pretty awesome tecolotyl! I'm glad you're still enjoying all the owls.
If OP is just looking to browse and maybe make the occasional post or comment, any of the clients people recommend are going to be fine. But for anyone active here, Summit has really aided my productivity, it's very customizable to my style tastes and my workflow, and the dev is very active here and has been an amazing help taking people's feedback and lightning fast bug fixes. I don't know if I'd be as active here as I am without Summit being what it is, and I'm very grateful for it.
Summit is where it's at!
I came to vote for cooked cabbage. Love it in lots of things, but hate the cabbage stink and that keeps me from making it more often.
Cannot confirm nor deny it smelling like pig slop. 😁
It's my pleasure. Every week I get new great stories to tell. Last week was my first time with a vulture, so I got to learn how they behave when a new human comes poking around them. I get to see animals up close that I didn't even know we have in my state like minks, flying squirrels, and the other week we had a brown thrasher, which is kind of like a roadrunner.
I work with really amazing and caring people, meet all kinds of nice people and kids that find hurt animals and want to see them get better, some real weirdos as well.
We had a little boy find a bumble bee that was missing a wing and he took it to his parents, and then they brought it in and he dropped it off to us. We treated it the same as any other wild animal. We gave it fresh fruit, soft bedding, and while bee wings are too delicate to work on (we do repair butterflies though!) we gave that bee the best end of life care possible and we were sad when he passed. It may sound silly, but in a world with a lot of anger lately, to be in a group of people that can see love and compassion in a bee can feel like a really great place to be.
If you want more animal stories and cool anatomy stuff, it's a bit more niche, but I post on !superbowl@lemmy.world every day. I post cute and humourous stuff of course, but much of the content is sourced from rescues like the one I work at or wildlife photographers, so there's a serious and respectful undertone to it all, and I can answer lots of questions. I'll sneak in non-owl related stuff from my personal animal care experiences too when I can tie it in.
Poop in a group is good 😄